Introduction
If you’ve ever run a Google Lighthouse report and thought, “This feedback feels a little too polite,” there’s now a solution, and it pulls no punches.
Meet Impolighthouse, a parody of Google Lighthouse created by Jono Alderson. It runs a real performance audit of your site but delivers the results with brutal honesty and dark humor. Think Lighthouse meets Gordon Ramsay.
What It Is
Impolighthouse is a browser-based tool that analyzes your site’s performance metrics, just like Lighthouse, but wraps the results in biting, sarcastic commentary. You can even choose your level of brutality with a “Spice Level” setting ranging from Irritated to Scathing.
I recommend always going with Scathing.
Here are a few actual gems pulled from real reports:
- This site’s performance profile is a catastrophic failure of leadership, engineering, and QA.
- This isn’t a tweakable problem — it’s organizational rot. Replace or retrain the people who designed this pipeline, hold management accountable for approving it, and stop pretending third‑party excuses justify this level of negligence.
- This is obscene. You’re shipping 1.2MB of unused JavaScript that torpedoes real users for 4950ms.
- Management approved this mess; they should explain themselves or be shown the door.
- This is pathetic. You’re forcing modern browsers to process legacy code and wasting 150ms.
- Whoever thought shipping legacy stacks to modern clients was fine needs immediate retraining or unemployment paperwork.
It’s savage. It’s hilarious. And somehow… it’s also motivating.
It’s Brilliant
Behind the humor is a serious point: Impolighthouse exposes what your normal audits don’t, the cultural rot behind technical debt.
Most site audits tell you what’s wrong. Impolighthouse makes you feel why it’s wrong.
It calls out inefficiency, sloppy decision-making, and technical neglect in a way that’s hard to ignore.
It’s cathartic for SEOs who’ve been shouting about technical issues for years, and sometimes, it’s the wake-up call a team needs to actually fix things.
How to Use It
- Go to jonoalderson.com/impolighthouse.
- Enter your URL.
- Choose your Spice Level (start at Irritated or go straight to Scathing if you’re brave).
- Run the report.
- Laugh, cry, and maybe schedule a performance sprint.
You’ll get both real metrics and merciless feedback about your site’s bloat, inefficiencies, and decisions that “should have been left in 2014.”
Give It A Try
Even though it’s a parody, Impolighthouse still runs genuine Lighthouse audits under the hood. It just adds personality, and a little public shaming, to the process.
For SEOs, developers, and marketers who’ve sat through too many polite performance reports, this is the audit tool we didn’t know we needed.
Unless You Lack A Sense Of Humor, Try It Yourself
👉 Run your site through Impolighthouse
Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if it hurts your feelings.
